The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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