he wants to bone in the snuggie
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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