We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
