she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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