tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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