i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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