So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
