My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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