NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Randomize
