my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
