i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
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