Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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