i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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