I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
My liver just had a heart attack.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
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