I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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