If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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