There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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