Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
