I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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