I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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