My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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