Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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