The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Can you bring me the toilet please
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