The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
