If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
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