I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
