u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
