Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
