Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
