My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
