He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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