in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
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