sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
