My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
