Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
