just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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