If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
