i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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