i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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