You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
as a side note pls kill me
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
