If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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