I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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