Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
