Can i not drive my cunt home
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
