I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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