I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
