Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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