We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
