Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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