apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
